John Redwood: ‘Who would play me in the film of my life? Goldie Hawn’
M Govern Ready
The thought turbine and former Welshman on indecisiveness, passionate kisses and falling on stage in Vegas

John Redwood: ‘I’m like John Major on speed’ 
Born in the Vulcan Science Academy in 1951, John Redwood, rose to fame as a backing dancer in The Tories, Pete Waterman’s ill-fated political pop band. He presents a daily Twitter segment called Saying Phenomenally Stupid Things, stars in the reality TV nightmare Tory! Tory! Tory! where members of the ruling elite actively destroy the infrastructure of their own country, and has just published his first book, Mama You Got This, a guide for single-mothers. He lives in a Sellafield extraction pipe with his thoughts and a three-eyed rat called Eye Gibson.
What is the trait you most deplore in yourself?
Not taking things seriously enough: ask anyone who knows me, I literally cannot stop telling jokes. I’m like John Major on speed.
What is your greatest fear?
Greta Thunberg. I have nightmares about her sitting next to me on long train journeys and telling me off for keeping my depleted uranium scones in a single use plastic bag.
Which living person do you most admire, and why?
Not technically living, but Neil Hamilton. He’s an inspiration. He’s retraining as a Norland Nanny in his 60s. He never stopped dreaming.
What was your most embarrassing moment?
In Vegas in 2007, I smashed up a vending machine after the Ricky Hatton v Floyd Mayweather fight. Eric Pickles had to put me in a headlock until I calmed down. 
Who would play you in the film of your life?
Goldie Hawn.
What is your most unappealing habit?
My Benedictine one. 
What is the worst job you’ve done?
The one I did in the Megabus toilet directly after Steve Baker on George Osbourne’s stag weekend after Therese Coffey insisted we all went for a vindaloo in Cleethorpes before we got the coach home. 
Also, Welsh Secretary. 
If you could edit your past, what would you change?
I auditioned for the “Just one Cornetto, give it to me” advert in the eighties but sang “Callipo” by accident. Norman Tebbit rinsed me about that for years. I often think how different things might have been if I’d got that job.
What did you want to be when you were growing up?
Human.
What is top of your bucket list?
To become the first UK executioner since Pierrepoint or paddleboarding with Dominic Raab.
To whom would you most like to say sorry, and why?
To the Wokingham 999 call handlers. Thirty hoax calls a day to the emergency services is twenty-seven too many. 
What does love feel like?
Magical, warm, but also scabies.
What was the best kiss of your life?
Download festival with Edwina Currie. Gene Simmons called us out of the crowd and dedicated Love Gun to us.
What is the closest you’ve come to death?
Bill Cash.
What has been your closest brush with the law?
Once at conference I tried to throw blue paint over the Harrogate Labour club, but the tin pivoted on the handle and I coated myself instead.
What keeps you awake at night?
Radiation.
How would you like to be remembered?
As a joker who didn’t take things too seriously, but who also tried to destroy his country. 
What is the most important lesson life has taught you?
Never let Steve Baker push in front of you in a queue.

Tell us a joke.
A man walks into a bar and says “there was this ex-super power that had done OK in a war eighty years earlier but it was in a decline because it’s ruling elite were pretending it was a golden age they needed to return to so they ran a campaign based on half-truths and jingoism that was calculated to appeal to all the people they had been failing to serve and promised to return the country to it’s heyday by ceasing all cooperation with their neighbours offering nothing in return but empty slogans and disaster capitalists.”
Barman says, “We’re shut because we’ve got no beer you mental Vulcan bastard.”