From Karahan Yalçın, 11 Months ago, written in Plain Text.
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  1. I wanna kms because tbh I can't do it anymore. I have no motivation to do anything, I don't want to get out of bed anymore. I don't wanna go out or, talk to my friends. I've lost all interest in previous hobbies. I have no skill in anything even when I try hard, all I can do is break people. There is no point in anything and nothing to live for. I may as well just kms, nobody wants me, people say that I have people in my life who care, but do I really think, how do I know it's not fake? People can be such great liars, give me a reason to stay, a reason, there are none. I just need someone. Anyone, so I can wake up and not feel miserable for once. I'm so close to ending it. I never thought my way would be this bloody, I don't feel the way I'm supposed to feel. I'm very sorry it ended up like this, I'm sorry for being the person I am and sorry for the way I treat people. I try harder than you will ever know, I'm so done and tired with this life that I live, so tired of waking up everyday and repeating the same boring miserable day over and over again. There are all these people saying "life gets better" and "it's just a bad day, not a bad life". How many bad days are there, why can't I have a good one? Why can't I live a life where I don't always have to be perfect, why can't I be like everyone else, why can't I be that normal person? No matter how much I believe, I don't think it will ever get better. I try so hard, I try to be perfect, I try to talk to people, I try to be happy, I try to make sure they don't see they get to me, but they do. I can never say anything, I always have to take the blame. I've waited and waited, when does it actually get better? When will I see the day wher everything doesn't have to be so messed up? I'm not happy anymore, I never am, It's like I'm invisible to others. It's so hard to live a life where no matter what you do, It's always the same outcome. I can try but there's no point considering I always fail, I have nobody by my side, and when I did, I failed to see that I fucked everything up. I wanna be good enough, I try so hard to be enough, but It's never enough, I'm never enough, I can't be good at anything. So many sleepless nights, so much hardwork and effort. So many days lost just to lose, I know nobody's perfect but I'm so far from it. I wanna feel sum for once, I plead every single day that things will change for me, but it never does. I don't really know why I'm still hoping, still giving, still trying. I don't even know why I'm still alive. Like why am I actually here? I feel as if I deserve. I feel like It's my fault. I try to keep everyone happy and give them what they want, but they want perfect. My mind is a mess, you don't care enough about me to notice I'm not who I used to be. Everything that happens always somehow sums up to being my fault. I feel as if I'm not enough and I'm getting used to the fact that I may never be enough. Obviously things change and nothing and nobody will be the same as they once were, but sometimes I find that hard to process. So many excuses are put out there just because people don't want to face the odds. It's so hard waking up and knowing if you did something differently then everything would have been fine, It's so hard waking up and knowing that It was your fault. It's so hard to wake up and know that you have nobody. Nobody loves you or cares about you. Nobody wants you here and they all think you should just disappear, I'm learning to accept that though. Even though It's hard, somehow I've still come this far, I wanna end it. I wanna give up, why can I just have this? Why can't I be happy, why can't I be normal, I'm a failure. I have no talent, I'm worthless.
  2. I wish I was never born.